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arrow_of_apollo9.C.5. - "Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be." - Jose Ortega y Gasset
Lee Adama doesn't know who he is; more importantly, Lee Adama doesn't know who he wants to be.
Believe me, I've been hearing those criticisms my entire life. And frankly, there are all kinds of reasons that any decent head shrinker would assign to my particular personality flaws, and don't think I haven't been tempted to actually talk to one. I know I'm frakked up sometimes, and it's not like the Gods don't mind reminding me.
Captain. Lieutenant. Captain again. Major. Commander. Major again. Civilian. Attorney. Delegate. President.
I haven't missed it. I've been wandering, looking for an anchor point, trying to find the one thing or one person around which I can start to really define myself and my life, the way the human fleet has been wandering, trying to find Earth, someplace to call our own again so that we can start rebuilding a civilization.
But what have I found?
It's not duty. No matter how good a pilot I might have been, no matter how good a CAG or XO or even CO I might or might not have been, it got clearer to me with each passing day that I wasn't destined to wear a uniform forever. And it isn't Kara. There's a love there that can't really be explained, but it's not something you make a life out of. It isn't Dee, although it probably should have been.
[private]
And then there's Sharon. It can't be Sharon. There's more than frakking going on here, I'm not stupid enough to not realize it. But I don't know what it is, and that can't be. I think I might finally be closing in on a life I can call my own, and I can't let it fall out of control. Even if, around her, that's what I want to be.
(303)
Lee Adama doesn't know who he is; more importantly, Lee Adama doesn't know who he wants to be.
Believe me, I've been hearing those criticisms my entire life. And frankly, there are all kinds of reasons that any decent head shrinker would assign to my particular personality flaws, and don't think I haven't been tempted to actually talk to one. I know I'm frakked up sometimes, and it's not like the Gods don't mind reminding me.
Captain. Lieutenant. Captain again. Major. Commander. Major again. Civilian. Attorney. Delegate. President.
I haven't missed it. I've been wandering, looking for an anchor point, trying to find the one thing or one person around which I can start to really define myself and my life, the way the human fleet has been wandering, trying to find Earth, someplace to call our own again so that we can start rebuilding a civilization.
But what have I found?
It's not duty. No matter how good a pilot I might have been, no matter how good a CAG or XO or even CO I might or might not have been, it got clearer to me with each passing day that I wasn't destined to wear a uniform forever. And it isn't Kara. There's a love there that can't really be explained, but it's not something you make a life out of. It isn't Dee, although it probably should have been.
[private]
And then there's Sharon. It can't be Sharon. There's more than frakking going on here, I'm not stupid enough to not realize it. But I don't know what it is, and that can't be. I think I might finally be closing in on a life I can call my own, and I can't let it fall out of control. Even if, around her, that's what I want to be.
(303)
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Date: 2008-08-20 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-20 07:24 pm (UTC)How are--how are you and Dee, anyway?
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Date: 2008-08-20 09:39 pm (UTC)